You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
