I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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