I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
