what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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