I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
