If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
