dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
