he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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