i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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