Small penises have feelings too.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
