remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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