she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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