If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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