He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
