someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
