I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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