the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
