so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
