I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
