I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
