Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
