so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
