Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
