I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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