and you said cock pushups were impossible
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
