Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
