She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
