so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
