i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
