All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
