So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
