My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
