Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Im just a social blackout drinker.
This is the high leading the old right now
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
