life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I cockslap morals
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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