just come out here and I will go home with you...
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
