I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
