I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
