I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Quick, to the slutcave!
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
