please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She announced her abortion via fbk
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
