My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
