I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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