I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
