y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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