she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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