Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
honey bunches of taint.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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