Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
