eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
