I didn't shave. On purpose
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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