All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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