It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
