i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
