I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just had sex on a roof
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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